Probably bordering creepy. Good thing you don't know about my internet life and will never see this. *phew*



**EDIT**:
WAIT WTF YOU'RE BROTHERS WITH /HIM/? Jeez you're like polar opposites or something.

This girl!
...
Well the current music is a bit ironic, don't you think?

I've wondered time and time again how other people's lives could be so amazing. And why people don't have a single clue when I'm faking, when my smile isn't real. But then I wonder, what if they're faking? Why can't I see through their facades? So then I go on to wonder if I'm so self-absorbed that I can't see other people's problems and that leads to a mixture of self pity and loathing. I dunno. I guess I'll use this entry as an advance "Sorry I didn't notice you have a crappy life or day". k goodnight.

...





2010, go easy on me.

Lame joke, I know. It seems I have reached the age where everyone around me is saying I am too old to trick-or-treat. It's like being told Santa doesn't exist all over again. Even the fact that I didn't dress up for school says something. Why do these things have to be considered juvenile? I think I've stopped being a kid a long time ago, but now it just seems that much more real. All the innocent and naive sources of happiness are now tainted with sarcasm and the cynical.

Lately, I've been confused. Not sexually, you idiots. I'm alone a lot now, and that does make me depressed (obviously). But what I find to be worse is that when I am with that group of people, it's like I'm with them just because we were always that group before. It's like even though we've changed, we're too stubborn to accept it? Plus, everyone else is in their tight-knit groups and it would be tres awkward to suddenly join them. Back to those other people, when I'm alone, I wish I could be more interesting. But when I'm with them, I feel so isolated and different that I wish I could find other people to hang out with. I'm not in any way popular, so if you know me, you'll know who I'm talking about. It's not that my friends are bad people, it's that I feel so distant from everyone all the time. I hate how I mirror their personalities just so I won't feel out of it all. I hate how people can believe me when I say nothing is wrong or that I'm alright. I guess it's alright though. Sometimes I can't even tell, so why should they be able to?

Utterly and completely in love with this right now.

Did my mother actually make a positive comment about my vegetarianism? I am still in shock. For those of you who don't know, she is the one who used to try and sneak meat in my food. So this is a big thing I would like to remember :)

So right now I'm talking to Dotti and we've branched into deep talks again and she somehow unintentionally convinced me to take LJ up again. It helps I guess. This could be my blog about serious things and feelings and stuff. I guess I'll use my Tumblr for random things I like. Hm. That's all for now I suppose.

Wow, I use uncertain words like "guess" or "suppose" a lot. I guess that says something about me. There it is again. Whatever. I'm not backspacing for that anymore.

So how do I feel today? Or lately? Honestly?
Like crap. I've just been getting far too emotional and sensitive and over-thinking everything that I am not sure of anything anymore.
Okay fine. Not sure of anyone. Seriously such a downer thing to think about. Like how people you used to have sleepovers with don't talk to you anymore and have boyfriends and do all these things without telling you anymore. AND add the fact that the person doesn't live far at all.

Okay so then add new friends. Well. Acquaintances. I always see them and put on a smile and whatever, but secretly, I always wish I could be close friends with them. Just to have close friends, and that I know or believe they would be good friends. Because they really are good people, but we're just that much different that I don't think it would ever work.

But I am narcissistic enough that all my problems or issues revolve around me. Like my insecurities. It's like a mindless circle of problems. People changing --> drifting apart --> sadness --> thinking what was wrong with me --> me changing, closing in --> people/relationships changing, etc.

Yeah, I cry randomly at home. No it's not like "Hahaha lol PMS" or shit. It's real. And sometimes I feel like just breaking down at school or anywhere, but something has changed. Something has shifted in the atmosphere. Whatever it is, I wish it would just go back. Or at least shift some more and change for the better.

I guess that's all I have to whine about for now. Sorry if you ended up reading all of this, but you had a choice so it's your fault.

A few random moments with my family (and Justine & Jeanine, they practically count). You might not think they're that funny, but maybe it was a you-had-to-be-there thing.

Justine: I'm cool, man.
Abby: That's right, brah.
Kristian: BARACK OBAMA???

My grandmother biting into an apple without her dentures on.

Staring contests with Jeanine.



Abby: You got owned.
Jeanine: PWND??

Kristian walking into an OPEN DOOR. There is now a faint vertical line on his forehead.



Abby serenading the cat.

Abby: I'm not speaking to Smokie anymore.
Angeli: ... She's a cat.

This song is just amazing ♥

Yee, the song is still stuck in my head. Psh, 'cause like, it's just like, that awesome.
Anywho.

Holy shit. Sorry Jesus. How do you still have the nerve to talk to me like we were complete biffles (b-f-f-l's, in case you didn't figure that out already)? Pardon my French, but honestly, what the fuck? You have no idea how hurt and angry I am. Whenever I try talking on msn or whatever, the conversation always dies, and I try to bring it back, but you don't seem to give two llama turds. You totally ignore me, then go be all tight with my neighbour, who lives RIGHT THERE. You could have knocked and said hey or something. I know I sound like some over sensitive loser, but what the fuck. Then you go and dump your problems on me, as if we were still (yn). Just for the record, before that, we haven't spoken in over six fucking months. SIX. MONTHS. I guess you're just clueless. But I don't want to pretend anymore. It hurts to. There I go sounding like a loser again. But I guess I will. At least one of us will be happy.

And this venting doesn't even seem to be helping anymore.